slashedopen

I know I’ve been spending a lot of times writing negative reviews, anyone would think I hated horror films, it’s just that I’ve not seen a genuinely good one for a while. I thought I’d give “Halloween: Resurrection” a go, big mistake! If you remember the end of part 73, or whatever they’re up to (even the film-makers have lost count so stopped putting numbers on the end), Jamie Lee Curtis decides to give Michael Myers head and body a premature divorce with an axe. Turns out Michael had swapped places with an ambulance driver and Laurie Strode has spent the last 2 years in a nuthouse having gone mad through guilt at killing an innocent man!

Of course she’s not mad, she’s just been biding her time (think Linda Hamilton in “Terminator 2”) and seeing out what was obviously a contracted appearance in a prologue that kills her off and renders the rest of the movie pointless. Wasn’t Michael’s motivation to kill Laurie? Anyway, in the meantime a TV company has plans to film a reality TV show in Michael’s old gaffe so he chooses that particular night to go home and becomes a reality TV star (I’m reliably informed he’ll have a single out by the end of the year that could be an outside bet for the Christmas number 1 spot!)

Believe me when I say that there’s not enough Polyfiller in the world to sort out all the holes in this plot. Right from the opening murder (off screen Michael kills a policeman and in the space of ten seconds manages to incorporate his head into the third spin cycle of an industrial washing machine, not to mention the bloke who discovers it trips over the rest of the body when walking backwards, despite the fact he would have had to have stepped over it to get there in the first place) to the final scene this is a master class in bollocks. Why has the Myers house, deserted for 30 years, not been torn down in an affluent residential area? Why does nobody notice one of the technicians getting butchered ON CAMERA? The place is in disrepair yet seems to be a fortress from which there’s no escape, when one of them finally gets out, why does she re-enter the house on the top floor, a worse position than she was in to start with? Why is Tyra Banks in it? Why is it even called “Resurrection” when he apparently never died in the first place? If her mobile Internet thingy works, how come the only person she tries to text is a nerdy kid and not get help? The list goes on…

The film’s worst crime is leaving it open for another sequel, now that really is frightening. As long as Busta Rhymes isn’t in it (thankfully Tyra Banks gets gutted) I know I’ll end up watching that one as well. John Carpenter, what have you created…